## Metricfornication

November 10th, 20070,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, Cripes I’m bored already. See!

I hope to prove to you, my dear readers (all four of you), that the good old Imperial measurements are far superior to all this metricfornication that the UN is foisting upon us.

First off let’s look at the basis of the two differing systems. Imperial measurements use the inch. Everyone knows what an inch is. Why do you think they call it an inch worm? There is no meter worm I’m familiar with, is there? No.

A meter, by the way, is 39.37 inches. Now who figured that one and why would they use such an odd number? This whole metrical system is just downright dull. A Millie-meter is 1/1000^{th} of a meter. So what? That is way too small to worry about. Well you see, my dearies, they break it down even further with nano,nano-meters. Apparently they really liked Mork and Mindy. Going the other way they get even more ridiculous. Apparently they came up with this measurement called a Kill-O-meter. These rocket scientists just lined up a thousand meters and gave it its own name. Geez, and these guys are Rocket Scientists? Remind me not to go to the moon in an EU rocket. I forgot to mention that this silly Kill-O-meter is used to measure road distance in

Have any of yous’ noticed a pattern here? They take a meter and either add more meters or cut it into base-10. Boring!

So the whole premise of this silliness is a standard unit of measure based on…..hold on! Ready?

Ten

WTF? Does this make any sense to anyone other than my X-wife who is an engineer? I didn’t think so.

So let’s look at a system of measurement that makes more sense.

SAE or as you foreigners feel the need to put it, Imperial.

Inch

Twelve of them equals a foot. Three of those equals a Yard.

100 yards is a football field. 90 feet is the distance to first base. 66.5 feet goes from home plate to the pitchers mound but I digress.

1760 yards equals a Mile. A Mile is also 5280 feet.

One mile is eight furlongs. One mile is 52.8 chains (An Engineering Chain as opposed to a Gunter’s chain which is 80 to the mile). One mile is 63360 inches. Which makes perfect sense since you all remember that there are 12 inches to the foot and 3 feet to the yard and 1760 yards to the mile so a mile being 52.8 Chains falls right in line. Right? Still with me?

OK, now that we all agree that this mecticfornication stuff is horse hockey we can move on to measurement of volume.

There are three teaspoons to a tablespoon and 16 tablespoons to a cup and two cups to a pint and two pints to a quart (kort, if you live up the coal region) and four quarts to the gallon.

How easy is this? What’s not to understand?

If you wish to move this out further it gets easier. One barrel of oil equals 42 gallons but a barrel is actually only 31.5 gallons, ya’ know. One gallon is also 32 gill. Like I needed to tell you this. Of course we all know that a hogshead is 63 gallons and I’m damn glad it is, personally.

OK, so if a gallon is the same as 384 dessertspoons and a cup is the same as two gill then a five pound of rack of ribs shall cook almost but not quite the same as 2 Kill-O-grams of tofu! Right?

Don’t even get me started on temperature. Geez! Please tell me why everybody and their brother feels the need to set ZERO at a different point.

Zero DEGF is 32 and Zero DEGC is 0 and Zero DEGK is -459.57 and if you give 2 shits the others are ….ya’ know what? No one gives a shit so……

I shall tell you here and now that to acquiesce to my UN backed international buds I shall from here on tell temperature as KELVIN and talk of volume and length as inches, feet, yards and miles.

So there you go!

Today is suppose to be a high of 282 degK and I know this because my outdoor thermometer is only 10 cubits away.